Chocolate frogs are made of people

[ewx]

My theory about how to avoid Harry Potter spoilers is that people should invent as many bogus but plausible spoilers as possible; any real ones will be lost in the noise.

What's your favorite made-up but plausible-sounding¹ Harry Potter spoiler?

¹ or just funny

Comments

[ewx.livejournal.com]

I should say that the title was Naath's suggestion, over dinner.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

There's a meme floating about that spits up random fake HP spoilers. I'd look it up, but i stopped caring about a sentence ago.

[hazyjayne.livejournal.com]

Mwepp! I just accidentally read a spoiler (it was a link to something and I didn't know there were going to be spoilers within).

But anyway, Harry and Draco were swapped at birth.

[beckyc.livejournal.com]

Well, I've been avoiding spoilers, even made up ones. So, I'll just have to make some up completely:

Dumbledore will talk to Harry lots.
So will Sirius.
And his parents.
In fact, I think that it will be full of dead people, so Harry will do the whole "I see dead people" thing.
The locket will be the one in Grimauld place

Harry will be a Horcrux
So will Neville

Lupin will die saving someone
And so will Tonks

Hermione and Ron will die dramatically at their wedding
As will Ginny and Harry, after they thought Voldemort was dead.

[gareth-rees.livejournal.com]

Voldemort turns out to be Harry's father.
Voldemort has a change of heart at the last minute and dies saving Harry from Snape.
Dumbledore wasn't dead after all, he emerges from hiding to save the day.
The teacher of the Defense Against the Dark Arts course turns out to be an ordinary wizard, and not disguised or lying in any way.
It turns out that Harry's owl is a Death Eater.

[(Anonymous)]

You must have read a pirate copy. Actually, Voldemort is Harry's grandfather.

The book reveals that Harry's mother Lily is actually the daughter of Tom Riddle and McGonagall (McGonagall got pregnant at school and as Riddle didn't want anything to do with it she gave Lily away to be adopted by the Evans family).

At the end of the book Voldemort kills Harry and then finds out what Dumbledore meant when he said "there are somethings worse than death" - as he celebrates he doesn't notice Dolores Umbridge cast the spell "Betrothius" ...

[gareth-rees.livejournal.com]

Oops, I got one right. Sorry folks, it was an accident, I promise.

[ceb.livejournal.com]

He runs away to join the circus and become a stunt milkman.

[damerell.livejournal.com]

They are all killed horribly by the characters of someone who can write. I suggest China Mieville, it will be extra icky and horrible. Or Banksie. Or Kim Newman.

Or - Harry awakens Great Cthulhu. Cthulhu exclaims "um, zool!" and eats him, Hermione, Snape, Voldemort, Voldemort's pet dog, etc.

[mstevens.livejournal.com]

I accidentally got spoiled by London Lite earlier. Waaaaaah!

My favourite one was the proposal in David Langford's book that the final volume will be called _Harry Potter and the uneventful year where nobody tries to kill him_ (or something very close to that).

[mhoulden.livejournal.com]

The final horcrux turns out to be Harry's scar, and the only way he can defeat Voldemort is to kill himself. This one actually sounds dangerously plausible, so let's try this one instead:

Harry turns out to be the love child of Lily Evans and Snape. Snape also had an affair with Narcissa Malfoy, so Draco Malfoy is Harry's half brother. Voldemort cast a spell on a certain dentist, so Hermione is actually his daughter. Meanwhile Dolores Umbridge was the end product of Aberforth Dumbledore's inappropriate spells on a goat. Maybe not true, but wouldn't it be more entertaining if it was?

[armb.livejournal.com]

"Rosebud" is Voldemort's sled.

[nameandnature]

J.K. ROWLING HERSELF APPEARS AS A CHARACTER AND DEFLOWERS HARRY.

More here.

[ex-lark-asc.livejournal.com]

SHE's ALREADY DONE IT. THE QUALITY OF HER WRITING IS VERY NEARLY WORSE THAN RAPE.

[weebleflip.livejournal.com]

Erm, Harry and Ron get married, in JKR's attempt to promote homosexual marriages?

C'mon, they've been acting like a married couple for ages...

~KT

[uisgebeatha.livejournal.com]

Chocolate frogs are made of people

Shurely Soylent Green? |-)

Do you know, I haven't read any of the books, but the films are alright. Still spoilers...hmm...how about Harry, in fact, shot JR and then finds Dumbledore in the shower and wakes up to find it was all, in fact, a dream? ;)

[ex-lark-asc.livejournal.com]

The whole story suddenly abandons the kiddie-kiddie safety-belted tone and becomes a deep and searing heroic journey. Harry's friends abandon him one by one as he becomes more and more closely involved with dark magic, and in the final denouement Harry finally comes to understand just how little there really is separating him from the Dark Lord now that he's learnt to be a killer too.

Oh and there are whorehouses, fist-fights and drunkenness in it as well.

[sbp.livejournal.com]

The GSV We've had about enough of this rubbish stops by and drops a platoon of captured Iridians who run amok and take over the school. Which then gets nuked from orbit, just to be sure.

[sphyg.livejournal.com]

Harry gives up magic to become and accountant.

[sonicdrift.livejournal.com]

On Halloween, the Hogwarts house elves don hockey masks and go on a killing spree.