It is always frightening to discover how few children tell their parents or another adult of these things and how few of those adults who have been told believe them or do anything about it.
Read Fungus The Bogeyman. Of all the books ever written for children, this is the one that explains the truth: grown-ups make noises that sound a bit like talking, and can be manipulated into doing stuff, but they never actually listen to children.
Yeah, maybe that's a generalisation. Maybe your parents listened to you. But a significant minority of parents - and, quite possibly, a majority of all adults - completely switch off their brains when children say anything that isn't a reply to a direct question. I'm sure that 'yes, dear, run along' and a distracted smile while they are clearly thinking of something else is an indication that, in general, they mean well and would be deeply offended if another adult told them that they don't care; but it isn't listening.
What's actually happening isn't necessarily evil, or indeed uncaring: Kids are by nature self-centred and try very, very hard to attract attention; as a result, the adults around protect their sanity by tuning them out. But if you can observe a house with children - and it's difficult, because you're there, and the children will try to engage you because they know you're interested - you might be shocked by just how rude adults are. The better parents - in fairness, most parents - will pick up the 'out-of-tune' tones of a child in genuine distress.
But what would you pick up in a child's behaviour if they have adapted to the fact that bullying - or, indeed, buggery - is a perfectly normal part of their school environment? What if they've learned to answer the formulaic 'how-was-your-day' with a bland answer in the certainty that you weren't listening to that, or to anything else they ever say to you?
Which is, of course, why 'Fungus' is such an uncomfortable book for parents: yes, it's a picture-book, but it was actually written for them.
As replies to comments go, this is rather harsh in tone: but the uncomfortable truth is that children's lives often are harsh. And I know that a lot of adults won't want to believe that. It's also difficult to show people - nowadays, with all the concern about child molesters, you can't watch large groups of children at play for any period of time. But if you ever do, you'll see some harrowing scenes - and a small minority of children who are very, very good at not being noticed and not projecting any feelings, in a learned withdrawal that is the antithesis of what you would expect a child to be. Some teachers are trained to spot this; many choose not to know what it means.
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Date: 2007-04-26 04:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-26 06:05 pm (UTC)Read Fungus The Bogeyman. Of all the books ever written for children, this is the one that explains the truth: grown-ups make noises that sound a bit like talking, and can be manipulated into doing stuff, but they never actually listen to children.
Yeah, maybe that's a generalisation. Maybe your parents listened to you. But a significant minority of parents - and, quite possibly, a majority of all adults - completely switch off their brains when children say anything that isn't a reply to a direct question. I'm sure that 'yes, dear, run along' and a distracted smile while they are clearly thinking of something else is an indication that, in general, they mean well and would be deeply offended if another adult told them that they don't care; but it isn't listening.
What's actually happening isn't necessarily evil, or indeed uncaring: Kids are by nature self-centred and try very, very hard to attract attention; as a result, the adults around protect their sanity by tuning them out. But if you can observe a house with children - and it's difficult, because you're there, and the children will try to engage you because they know you're interested - you might be shocked by just how rude adults are. The better parents - in fairness, most parents - will pick up the 'out-of-tune' tones of a child in genuine distress.
But what would you pick up in a child's behaviour if they have adapted to the fact that bullying - or, indeed, buggery - is a perfectly normal part of their school environment? What if they've learned to answer the formulaic 'how-was-your-day' with a bland answer in the certainty that you weren't listening to that, or to anything else they ever say to you?
Which is, of course, why 'Fungus' is such an uncomfortable book for parents: yes, it's a picture-book, but it was actually written for them.
As replies to comments go, this is rather harsh in tone: but the uncomfortable truth is that children's lives often are harsh. And I know that a lot of adults won't want to believe that. It's also difficult to show people - nowadays, with all the concern about child molesters, you can't watch large groups of children at play for any period of time. But if you ever do, you'll see some harrowing scenes - and a small minority of children who are very, very good at not being noticed and not projecting any feelings, in a learned withdrawal that is the antithesis of what you would expect a child to be. Some teachers are trained to spot this; many choose not to know what it means.